note to self.

1. stop procrastinating.

2. meet deadlines.

3. stop being paranoid.

4. stop caring too much.

5. stop thinking.

6. watch more cartoons.

7. smile at self.

Going back. Yay.

Btw,

I just realized that I'm freaking 20. Damn.

The beginning of a new era.

I was busily languishing in luxury, my head stuck in a pool of unproductive, non-intellectual rom-coms, after a grueling semester and a not-so-peppy internship, when a cloud came crashing on my head. The moot problem. Which I had been waiting for, with bated breath, for the last 2 months. I had resigned to the fact that vacations were meant for enjoyment (only after the not-so-peppy internship, of course) and home was the haven of laziness and hard-work would only be possible in the presence of equally competitive faces, a.k.a, not-at-home (NOT that I don't enjoy that, but the cribbing just makes it sound more real, and in any case its not the work that leads to the lamenting, it is only when the work becomes an overdose). However, I am much mistaken. The era of Semester V begins even before I reach my favorite desert.
What I foresee for the next semester:

Work

More Work

Some faculty members sitting on my head

Black Instant Coffee

Travel ( a lot of it)

Attendance issues, perhaps leading to a fine, because of above-mentioned reasons

Parle G to keep me company and Cerelac to substitute meals on the 'I'm not walking to the mess' days. (and I am proud of my cerelac addiction. Its filling, nutritious and absolutely delicious, so what the heck)

Chocolate, and pastas EVERY TIME I go out.

and vodka, in limited amounts.

Please, please, dear God, let there be light.

and, let my fan-and-cooler function normally.

I shall melt.

Cutting hair short = Life changing decision.

Damn.

Who needs outside-people when you can seek comfort in yourself? There's nothing like curling up with a stack of books, and a mug of hot-chocolate, and devouring them till the crack of dawn. Cell phones should be banned.

Is it impossible in today's incredibly conservative society for a girl to love herself and to feel comfortable in her own skin without being mistaken for a bimbo who's out for some fun?! Is it so difficult to have conversations, meaning conversations.

I am sick of a lot of things.

the perfect sunday!

1. sidey nonetheless cute Tamil movie, that doesn't contain any fighting or knife-stabbing.

2. the longest, most luxurious apple-smelling body massage.

3. shopping.

4. very-vanilla latte.

5. more shopping, and amazing shoes...!!!

6. wine (and lots of it till pleasantly buzzed).

7. homemade Chinese food.

I love weekends.

Fact of life: We always desire things that we cannot have, be it that sinful chocolate cake with whipped cream and ice-cream and other delectable add-ons, or a law degree from a fancy ivy league school, which doesn't strip us off every last penny from our coffer. Our thirst persists, despite silent protests from within.

We even fall for PEOPLE that we cannot have. The bespectacled, suave guy, with broody looks, dreamy eyes, faint stubble, patrician hands, and crisp shirts. The guy with the smooth, husky voice, who likes literature and poetry and world politics and who drinks mint tea and reads travelogues in coffee shops. The guy who has probably charmed a million girls with his debonair charm and wit, and who has left behind a heap of soggy crumpled tissues.

We know what's good for us, and what's bad for us, but still, the brief sweetness on our tongue is always chosen over the bitterness and the burning.

Karela juice or chocolate milkshake? We know the goddamn answer!

things that haven't changed:

1. blogging during internship

2. facebooking during internship.

3. "dentist appointments" during internship.

4. spending 135 freakin bucks on ONE scoop of swiss-chocolate ice-cream at Movenpick. During internship, of course.

5. chocolate cravings. they just dont go!

6. Addiction to sitcoms and soppy stuff.

7. Dancing

8. Taste in music

9. Taste in books

Things that have changed:

Everything else

Things that are about to change:

Career decisions.

And the question I ask myself. WHY did I take law?

Let me rewind 3 years, go back to class XII, and apply to those colleges that offer fancy Journalism courses. Those colleges that I wrote off with much smugness and snootiness.
Let me be an author, a newsreader. Let me devour literature without dissecting it. Let me dance, sing. Let me LIVE.

why law school?

and WHY is every law firm not like Crane, Poole and Schmidt? Why is there no Alan Shore, or Denny Crane? Why is there no scotch-on-balcony conversations? Why are there mechanical associates-on-wheels robots, and on helluva task-master lawyer who tests his poor frisky interns, who haven't been TAUGHT at law school. Why does the fat judge sleep in Court? Why can't the fat-judge with the beer belly SPEAK ENGLISH? WHY are courtrooms over-crowded? WHy are interns not paid? Why are law-firms overstaffed and competitive?

Career decision needs to be rethought. And revamped.

Men-- By Maya Angelou

When I was young, I used to
Watch behind the curtains
As men walked up and down the street. Wino men, old men.
Young men sharp as mustard.
See them. Men are always
Going somewhere.
They knew I was there. Fifteen
Years old and starving for them.
Under my window, they would pauses,
Their shoulders high like the
Breasts of a young girl,
Jacket tails slapping over
Those behinds,
Men.

One day they hold you in the
Palms of their hands, gentle, as if you
Were the last raw egg in the world. Then
They tighten up. Just a little. The
First squeeze is nice. A quick hug.
Soft into your defenselessness. A little
More. The hurt begins. Wrench out a
Smile that slides around the fear. When the
Air disappears,
Your mind pops, exploding fiercely, briefly,
Like the head of a kitchen match. Shattered.
It is your juice
That runs down their legs. Staining their shoes.
When the earth rights itself again,
And taste tries to return to the tongue,
Your body has slammed shut. Forever.
No keys exist.

Then the window draws full upon
Your mind. There, just beyond
The sway of curtains, men walk.
Knowing something.
Going someplace.
But this time, I will simply
Stand and watch.

Maybe.

I can't believe that I haven't blogged in a year. I can't say that I didn't try. Maybe it's because so much has changed in the past year--I wouldn't even know where to begin.
But things are well, different, but well. Change is good, catastrophic but good, paradoxical as it sounds.

However, some things never change. A toast, to nostalgic memories, and to the things that remain the same.