On December 31st 2007, I wished for 2008 to be a good year. At that moment, I was apprehensive about the future. I wished, with all my heart, to get into a good law school, to become what I wanted to become. I wished for opportunities. I wished for affection. I wished for contentment. Satisfaction. Nothing happened. 2008 turned out to be just the opposite of what I wanted. I got neither opportunities, nor satisfaction. I was always just filled with a hollow emptiness. A void deep down. But then, I realize, had I got everything I wanted, I wouldn't be the way I am today, now. I've learnt. Life goes out to teach us so many things, in it's own small way. So what, I didn't make it to what I considered the best law school. So what if three fourth of the population there hate me for some effed-up reason. So what if I have had to deal with so many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many MANY MANY effed up things. I now realize that this has just made me stronger. I can handle anything. Anything. I'm a surviver. I won't let anything--any detractors, affect me. I will live. Will handle things. With all the calm I can muster.
Tonight, I shall wish for nothing. I shall expect nothing. I will hope, but not expect. Expectations have never worked for me. Whatever 2009 has in store for me, I will deal with, be it good or bad.
So here's to a New Year.
A great one.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
ramblings of an insane person.
I bombed CLAT 08 so bad that I’m stuck in a screwed up place I don’t want to be in. In a place where EVERYTHING is so screwed up, there’s no word for it. I mean, even searching for a word in the stupid GRE master word list that comprises 4500 words (which I learnt for CLAT 08, by the way. And I don’t remember any, because they didn’t make sense to me at the time. I believe vocabulary is picked up from reading a variety of books, and my taste in books is eclectic, which is a good thing. Anyway, the master word-list they make us learn is so pointless, because after the exam, you don’t remember all that shit. And nobody speaks like that anyway. For instance, gerrymander according to the GRE book, means, to manipulate. So how do we use this word? She was being gerrymandered?!!! Really.) is pointless. Because the most appropriate word I can find to describe the debacle I’ve conveniently gotten myself into, is ‘screwed-up’. CLAT 08 was a bitch.
But I can’t prepare for CLAT 09. It’s so difficult, when I am already in law school (which is a bitch, by the way. I don’t like it there. Right from the filthy streets, to the people, their attitude, their lackadaisical, I-don’t-give-a-shit demeanor, the significance they attach to stuff that doesn’t matter, like, well, clothes, for instance. The guys actually try to judge a girl’s personality by the footwear she wears. This is crazy, as some of us, who attend class bleary-eyed and half-asleep, don’t care a fuck about clothes and sometimes saunter into class in bathroom slippers and a night-shirt. Because, we don’t care. Oh, and it just drives me crazy that the guys actually sit around in their rooms and compare girls’ boob-sizes. We don’t sit around in our rooms comparing the sizes of their stuff. Because we don’t care. And well, the politics. Dirty, disgusting, inducing-bile-to-rise-in-the-throat politics.)
I prepared a fuck lot last time and got stuck here. Big chance I’m just wasting my time. And anyway, I think I’ve given up. I wish I could stick my head in a barrel of tepid water and drown. That way, I won’t have to think about all this.
Why is it that some of us have to deal with so much, while the rest have it so easy? Why couldn’t I have an IQ of 500 so I can crack the bitching CLAT without studying? Or at least, why can’t SOMEONE give me an assurance that if I waste my time and flunk my end semesters studying for CLAT, I’ll get through somewhere? Why is it that I have to prepare with the big possibility that I could flunk my end semesters and end up nowhere? (This possibility is likely to come true, as I haven’t had the best things happening to me lately.) Though I’m pretty agnostic, I’m forced to believe my grandmother, who says that I have Satan’s reflection on me. Some screwed up order of the planets, which isn’t good for me, or something. Which is crazy, because I never believed in all this. Going to temples to ward off Saturn, and stuff. But I’ve actually started to consider it.
This doesn’t mean I will consent going to the temple my parents have been nagging me to go to. I’ll sweat it out in the gym if getting in shape is what I want, but I will NOT wear a hot, uncomfortable salwar and walk a million kilometers barefoot at 3 am in the biting cold, just to go and worship a ridiculous block of stone, after being jostled and nearly knocked down by a mob of religious fanatics who spend more time worshipping various blocks of stone, than doing anything constructive. Not that I have anything constructive to do. At least, I don't worship inanimate objects. I will not. This is the problem, being born into a religious family, where people actually believe in God, and demons and stuff.
So let all the effing planets reflect their negative rays on me. What’s the worse that can happen? I’m all geared up to face the challenge. Try killing me. I won’t go so easily. I’ll live, and see it all. They say that only bad people live long. Since we’ve already established from my previous post that I’m stupid, I can go all out to say that I am bad. I offend everyone’s religious sentiments by scandalizing God, committing blasphemy. I’ve plotted the death of many in my head, and have nearly gotten around to executing it, though I eventually chickened out, because of the fact that my methods of murder are usually brutal and violent, and I can’t quite stand the sight of blood and gore. And moreover, I’m too financially unequipped to hire someone to do the deed. Oh, I also shoplift. I used to flick candy from the department store when I was five-years old. And no, I am not a kleptomaniac. So, as we can all see, I am a stupid, bad and cowardly person. And I will live long. Very, very long. Reveling in all stupidity. So Saturn cannot kill me.
And I will not visit that effing temple. Though, I am certain that when I explain this to my parents, they will probably assume that I am insane, which I probably am. I wouldn’t know, would I? Insane people usually never admit that they’re insane.
But I can’t prepare for CLAT 09. It’s so difficult, when I am already in law school (which is a bitch, by the way. I don’t like it there. Right from the filthy streets, to the people, their attitude, their lackadaisical, I-don’t-give-a-shit demeanor, the significance they attach to stuff that doesn’t matter, like, well, clothes, for instance. The guys actually try to judge a girl’s personality by the footwear she wears. This is crazy, as some of us, who attend class bleary-eyed and half-asleep, don’t care a fuck about clothes and sometimes saunter into class in bathroom slippers and a night-shirt. Because, we don’t care. Oh, and it just drives me crazy that the guys actually sit around in their rooms and compare girls’ boob-sizes. We don’t sit around in our rooms comparing the sizes of their stuff. Because we don’t care. And well, the politics. Dirty, disgusting, inducing-bile-to-rise-in-the-throat politics.)
I prepared a fuck lot last time and got stuck here. Big chance I’m just wasting my time. And anyway, I think I’ve given up. I wish I could stick my head in a barrel of tepid water and drown. That way, I won’t have to think about all this.
Why is it that some of us have to deal with so much, while the rest have it so easy? Why couldn’t I have an IQ of 500 so I can crack the bitching CLAT without studying? Or at least, why can’t SOMEONE give me an assurance that if I waste my time and flunk my end semesters studying for CLAT, I’ll get through somewhere? Why is it that I have to prepare with the big possibility that I could flunk my end semesters and end up nowhere? (This possibility is likely to come true, as I haven’t had the best things happening to me lately.) Though I’m pretty agnostic, I’m forced to believe my grandmother, who says that I have Satan’s reflection on me. Some screwed up order of the planets, which isn’t good for me, or something. Which is crazy, because I never believed in all this. Going to temples to ward off Saturn, and stuff. But I’ve actually started to consider it.
This doesn’t mean I will consent going to the temple my parents have been nagging me to go to. I’ll sweat it out in the gym if getting in shape is what I want, but I will NOT wear a hot, uncomfortable salwar and walk a million kilometers barefoot at 3 am in the biting cold, just to go and worship a ridiculous block of stone, after being jostled and nearly knocked down by a mob of religious fanatics who spend more time worshipping various blocks of stone, than doing anything constructive. Not that I have anything constructive to do. At least, I don't worship inanimate objects. I will not. This is the problem, being born into a religious family, where people actually believe in God, and demons and stuff.
So let all the effing planets reflect their negative rays on me. What’s the worse that can happen? I’m all geared up to face the challenge. Try killing me. I won’t go so easily. I’ll live, and see it all. They say that only bad people live long. Since we’ve already established from my previous post that I’m stupid, I can go all out to say that I am bad. I offend everyone’s religious sentiments by scandalizing God, committing blasphemy. I’ve plotted the death of many in my head, and have nearly gotten around to executing it, though I eventually chickened out, because of the fact that my methods of murder are usually brutal and violent, and I can’t quite stand the sight of blood and gore. And moreover, I’m too financially unequipped to hire someone to do the deed. Oh, I also shoplift. I used to flick candy from the department store when I was five-years old. And no, I am not a kleptomaniac. So, as we can all see, I am a stupid, bad and cowardly person. And I will live long. Very, very long. Reveling in all stupidity. So Saturn cannot kill me.
And I will not visit that effing temple. Though, I am certain that when I explain this to my parents, they will probably assume that I am insane, which I probably am. I wouldn’t know, would I? Insane people usually never admit that they’re insane.
The Stupid New Year's Resolutions that i know i wont keep
New Year’s resolutions never really work for me. I think its pointless making them, since I never really adhere to them, or even make a conscious effort to do so, for that matter. But what the heck, I’ll try, all the same. So here goes:
- I’d like to be less sensitive, and a lot less emotional. Sometimes, I am amazed at how I allow small, tiny things to get to me.
- I’d like to be less irritable, and more tolerant, especially towards people I don’t particularly like. I’ve spent the better part of my life making snide and sarcastic remarks at people who somehow seem to get on my nerves and I think this needs to change, because some of the people I don’t like, don’t know that I don’t like them, and consider me their ‘friend’, and I feel petty after I’ve said a thing or two to them.
- I’d like to be less cynical, less critical of everything. I’ve only just realized that I seem to have a problem with everything, and this, stems from immensely high expectations. What, did I really expect University to be like an Ivy League school? I knew where I was headed for, when I decided to study there. And then, I go about turning my nose down at everything. This has got to stop. I will be more accommodating, and will accept things the way they are, because, there is a huge chance that it might not change, and however lousy things are, I’ll have to deal with them, so no point lamenting about it.
- I’d like to stop trying to change things. Things won’t change. They just won’t. My University is not going to be a miracle in any way. So I’ll have to stop rebelling, stop marching to the faculty with petitions, which is eventually sent to the Uncle’s shop, to wrap stale patties. Yes, that’s where they send our projects, by the way. When we had a canteen (we don’t have a canteen anymore), the samosas and patties a bunch of us bought were wrapped up in scraps of paper that turned out to be excerpts from someone’s Criminal law project. And even our grand-intra moot court competition memorials were sent to wrap puffs and stuff in the canteen. I know, because I once ate a samosa that was wrapped in someone’s statement of jurisdiction. To think we invest so much effort in projects just so that it can be used to wrap stale food in. Anyway, I’ll just have to shut up and watch the University commit suicide, and carry with it, the careers of many.
- I will not be rude to those people who sweep my room, the jhadu-walis. I will not bang doors on their faces, even though they come to sweep the room at eight in the morning (and I’ve probably had only two hours of sleep).
- I will not bunk too many classes. I will attend all classes, including Sociology, and will actually take notes in class. I will attend those stupid Spanish classes I signed up for, which are at eight in the morning. And I will take notes there as well. I will not sleep or listen to music or watch movies on someone’s laptop in class. I will pay attention. I really will. I’ll stop banging on people’s room-doors one night before the exam, begging for notes to study from. I’ll have notes of my own.
- I will somehow learn proper Hindi, and will stop trying to explain things in English, when I know people won’t understand. And I’ll ignore anyone who laughs at my Hindi, which I know, sounds extremely ridiculous with the South-Indian accent and all.
- I will stop looking at everyone’s faults. I am not perfect, and neither are the people I live with. So I will accept them the way they are, the way they’ve accepted me the way I am, with my numerous idiosyncrasies. I have found a few people who will definitely watch my back when I screw up (which is pretty often), despite the fact that I am very cynical, pessimistic and sarcastic almost all the time. And as for the people I truly dislike, I will stop making it so obvious. Peace, all.
- I will write that novel I’ve begun. I will complete the novel before I graduate to the next year (if I do graduate, that is). But I just might, in case I do adhere to resolution number 6, that is, to attend classes.
- I will swallow my pride, and everything that goes with it, and give CLAT again. I will be bold about it. I will NOT wallow in self-pity, I will NOT blame the screwed-up system or criticize the reservation policy and all. I will prepare, and I will write it, even if I might probably make a big jackass of myself by winding up with the same rank (or a worse one, judging my complete lack of focus or commitment, now). Even if the chances of becoming the laughing-stock of this world with a rank as low as 10000 are pretty high (I will be a laughingstock, since I’d be a very incapable second-timer who’s already had a year in law-school—not that the place I study in is a typical law-school law school. If you know what I mean), I will give CLAT. With preparation of course. I will study, as much as I did last year. And well, if I DO wind up with an effed-up rank, then I guess I am free to wallow in self-pity and blame the system, which I did a lot, last time. But not until then.
In all likelihood, I won’t keep up any of these resolutions, except for number 9, and probably number 10. My novel has progressed to a great extent. I might even complete it in about two months. And as for CLAT, well, I’ve learnt this saying in Hindi, ‘Ghoda bhi ud sakta hain’. (Direct translation for Hindi-spastic people like me: Even a horse could probably fly. Basically, it means that absurd stuff does happen, but clearing CLAT certainly isn’t going to be one of them). Well, I’ll do it, all the same. Give CLAT, that is. Clearing it isn’t in my hands, now. And I’ll do my best to not feel stupid once the results are out.
Oh, and I am sick of people telling me that I have potential, and am intelligent and stuff. Because I am not. I’m pretty stupid. This isn’t lack of self-esteem speaking. This is a pretty blatant fact. Otherwise anyone who prepared half as much as I did, wouldn’t fuck up the paper as bad as I did. See? I’m stupid. Though, I must admit, however stupid I am, I still don’t deserve to be where I am. I just wish that this world would be nicer to stupid people. In fact, they should have this IQ test, and those below the IQ required to clear CLAT, (which is by the way, probably an IQ of 200, in my estimation), deserve a stupid-quota reservation. You know, a minimum of ten seats in every university for stupid people. Then, I’d probably make it somewhere. Not in the best, judging that I am not intelligently stupid or anything (I’m probably stupidly stupid, if this makes sense), but at least some place better than where I am now. But unfortunately, stupid people aren’t given any importance. They’re forced to compete with the better endowed members of the society. So I’ll have to gnaw my nails and cry my eyes out trying to figure out the cost price of an effing apple, which is in NO way related to law, I can tell you. I’ve been in law school for a semester and I don’t understand the point of having to solve a math section in the entrance exam.
I guess the people setting the paper have decided the math section to be the ultimate procedure for filtering out stupid people, like me, who are SO stupid that they can’t figure out the cost price of an apple, even though they’ve mugged the formula to do so, probably because they've added 2+2=5. That would be me.
I should file a PIL, demanding reservation for stupid people. I guess after spending five years in the place I am in presently, I’ll end up either unemployed, or I’ll work for a third-rate law firm where I’ll be serving coffee to a paan-chewing, beer-bellied boss, who speaks crassly and who belches noisily. This way, in-between making coffee, I’ll have all the time in the world to file a PIL demanding reservation for stupid people in ALL entrance exams. That way, even people like ME will have the option of a remotely bright future.
Ok, I’ll shut up now. This just goes to reinforce the fact that I am stupid. And the next person who dares to say I am not, will have a moldy sock belonging to a certain person I know who wears the same pair of socks for a LONG time, stuffed down his/her throat. This, I can assure you, is the most painful form of death. And if it doesn’t lead to death, it still constitutes as battery inflicted by odor. So you can still sue me. Unless I decide to sue you first.
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