I bombed CLAT 08 so bad that I’m stuck in a screwed up place I don’t want to be in. In a place where EVERYTHING is so screwed up, there’s no word for it. I mean, even searching for a word in the stupid GRE master word list that comprises 4500 words (which I learnt for CLAT 08, by the way. And I don’t remember any, because they didn’t make sense to me at the time. I believe vocabulary is picked up from reading a variety of books, and my taste in books is eclectic, which is a good thing. Anyway, the master word-list they make us learn is so pointless, because after the exam, you don’t remember all that shit. And nobody speaks like that anyway. For instance, gerrymander according to the GRE book, means, to manipulate. So how do we use this word? She was being gerrymandered?!!! Really.) is pointless. Because the most appropriate word I can find to describe the debacle I’ve conveniently gotten myself into, is ‘screwed-up’. CLAT 08 was a bitch.
But I can’t prepare for CLAT 09. It’s so difficult, when I am already in law school (which is a bitch, by the way. I don’t like it there. Right from the filthy streets, to the people, their attitude, their lackadaisical, I-don’t-give-a-shit demeanor, the significance they attach to stuff that doesn’t matter, like, well, clothes, for instance. The guys actually try to judge a girl’s personality by the footwear she wears. This is crazy, as some of us, who attend class bleary-eyed and half-asleep, don’t care a fuck about clothes and sometimes saunter into class in bathroom slippers and a night-shirt. Because, we don’t care. Oh, and it just drives me crazy that the guys actually sit around in their rooms and compare girls’ boob-sizes. We don’t sit around in our rooms comparing the sizes of their stuff. Because we don’t care. And well, the politics. Dirty, disgusting, inducing-bile-to-rise-in-the-throat politics.)
I prepared a fuck lot last time and got stuck here. Big chance I’m just wasting my time. And anyway, I think I’ve given up. I wish I could stick my head in a barrel of tepid water and drown. That way, I won’t have to think about all this.
Why is it that some of us have to deal with so much, while the rest have it so easy? Why couldn’t I have an IQ of 500 so I can crack the bitching CLAT without studying? Or at least, why can’t SOMEONE give me an assurance that if I waste my time and flunk my end semesters studying for CLAT, I’ll get through somewhere? Why is it that I have to prepare with the big possibility that I could flunk my end semesters and end up nowhere? (This possibility is likely to come true, as I haven’t had the best things happening to me lately.) Though I’m pretty agnostic, I’m forced to believe my grandmother, who says that I have Satan’s reflection on me. Some screwed up order of the planets, which isn’t good for me, or something. Which is crazy, because I never believed in all this. Going to temples to ward off Saturn, and stuff. But I’ve actually started to consider it.
This doesn’t mean I will consent going to the temple my parents have been nagging me to go to. I’ll sweat it out in the gym if getting in shape is what I want, but I will NOT wear a hot, uncomfortable salwar and walk a million kilometers barefoot at 3 am in the biting cold, just to go and worship a ridiculous block of stone, after being jostled and nearly knocked down by a mob of religious fanatics who spend more time worshipping various blocks of stone, than doing anything constructive. Not that I have anything constructive to do. At least, I don't worship inanimate objects. I will not. This is the problem, being born into a religious family, where people actually believe in God, and demons and stuff.
So let all the effing planets reflect their negative rays on me. What’s the worse that can happen? I’m all geared up to face the challenge. Try killing me. I won’t go so easily. I’ll live, and see it all. They say that only bad people live long. Since we’ve already established from my previous post that I’m stupid, I can go all out to say that I am bad. I offend everyone’s religious sentiments by scandalizing God, committing blasphemy. I’ve plotted the death of many in my head, and have nearly gotten around to executing it, though I eventually chickened out, because of the fact that my methods of murder are usually brutal and violent, and I can’t quite stand the sight of blood and gore. And moreover, I’m too financially unequipped to hire someone to do the deed. Oh, I also shoplift. I used to flick candy from the department store when I was five-years old. And no, I am not a kleptomaniac. So, as we can all see, I am a stupid, bad and cowardly person. And I will live long. Very, very long. Reveling in all stupidity. So Saturn cannot kill me.
And I will not visit that effing temple. Though, I am certain that when I explain this to my parents, they will probably assume that I am insane, which I probably am. I wouldn’t know, would I? Insane people usually never admit that they’re insane.
