The Stupid New Year's Resolutions that i know i wont keep

New Year’s resolutions never really work for me. I think its pointless making them, since I never really adhere to them, or even make a conscious effort to do so, for that matter. But what the heck, I’ll try, all the same. So here goes:

1. I’d like to be less sensitive, and a lot less emotional. Sometimes, I am amazed at how I allow small, tiny things to get to me.
2. I’d like to be less irritable, and more tolerant, especially towards people I don’t particularly like. I’ve spent the better part of my life making snide and sarcastic remarks at people who somehow seem to get on my nerves and I think this needs to change, because some of the people I don’t like, don’t know that I don’t like them, and consider me their ‘friend’, and I feel petty after I’ve said a thing or two to them.
3. I’d like to be less cynical, less critical of everything. I’ve only just realized that I seem to have a problem with everything, and this, stems from immensely high expectations. What, did I really expect University to be like an Ivy League school? I knew where I was headed for, when I decided to study there. And then, I go about turning my nose down at everything. This has got to stop. I will be more accommodating, and will accept things the way they are, because, there is a huge chance that it might not change, and however lousy things are, I’ll have to deal with them, so no point lamenting about it.
4. I’d like to stop trying to change things. Things won’t change. They just won’t. My University is not going to be a miracle in any way. So I’ll have to stop rebelling, stop marching to the faculty with petitions, which is eventually sent to the Uncle’s shop, to wrap stale patties. Yes, that’s where they send our projects, by the way. When we had a canteen (we don’t have a canteen anymore), the samosas and patties a bunch of us bought were wrapped up in scraps of paper that turned out to be excerpts from someone’s Criminal law project. And even our grand-intra moot court competition memorials were sent to wrap puffs and stuff in the canteen. I know, because I once ate a samosa that was wrapped in someone’s statement of jurisdiction. To think we invest so much effort in projects just so that it can be used to wrap stale food in. Anyway, I’ll just have to shut up and watch the University commit suicide, and carry with it, the careers of many.
5. I will not be rude to those people who sweep my room, the jhadu-walis. I will not bang doors on their faces, even though they come to sweep the room at eight in the morning (and I’ve probably had only two hours of sleep).
6. I will not bunk too many classes. I will attend all classes, including Sociology, and will actually take notes in class. I will attend those stupid Spanish classes I signed up for, which are at eight in the morning. And I will take notes there as well. I will not sleep or listen to music or watch movies on someone’s laptop in class. I will pay attention. I really will. I’ll stop banging on people’s room-doors one night before the exam, begging for notes to study from. I’ll have notes of my own.
7. I will somehow learn proper Hindi, and will stop trying to explain things in English, when I know people won’t understand. And I’ll ignore anyone who laughs at my Hindi, which I know, sounds extremely ridiculous with the South-Indian accent and all.
8. I will stop looking at everyone’s faults. I am not perfect, and neither are the people I live with. So I will accept them the way they are, the way they’ve accepted me the way I am, with my numerous idiosyncrasies. I have found a few people who will definitely watch my back when I screw up (which is pretty often), despite the fact that I am very cynical, pessimistic and sarcastic almost all the time. And as for the people I truly dislike, I will stop making it so obvious. Peace, all.
9. I will write that novel I’ve begun. I will complete the novel before I graduate to the next year (if I do graduate, that is). But I just might, in case I do adhere to resolution number 6, that is, to attend classes.
10. I will swallow my pride, and everything that goes with it, and give CLAT again. I will be bold about it. I will NOT wallow in self-pity, I will NOT blame the screwed-up system or criticize the reservation policy and all. I will prepare, and I will write it, even if I might probably make a big jackass of myself by winding up with the same rank (or a worse one, judging my complete lack of focus or commitment, now). Even if the chances of becoming the laughing-stock of this world with a rank as low as 10000 are pretty high (I will be a laughingstock, since I’d be a very incapable second-timer who’s already had a year in law-school—not that the place I study in is a typical law-school law school. If you know what I mean), I will give CLAT. With preparation of course. I will study, as much as I did last year. And well, if I DO wind up with an effed-up rank, then I guess I am free to wallow in self-pity and blame the system, which I did a lot, last time. But not until then.
    
    
    In all likelihood, I won’t keep up any of these resolutions, except for number 9, and probably number 10. My novel has progressed to a great extent. I might even complete it in about two months. And as for CLAT, well, I’ve learnt this saying in Hindi, ‘Ghoda bhi ud sakta hain’. (Direct translation for Hindi-spastic people like me: Even a horse could probably fly. Basically, it means that absurd stuff does happen, but clearing CLAT certainly isn’t going to be one of them). Well, I’ll do it, all the same. Give CLAT, that is. Clearing it isn’t in my hands, now. And I’ll do my best to not feel stupid once the results are out.

Oh, and I am sick of people telling me that I have potential, and am intelligent and stuff. Because I am not. I’m pretty stupid. This isn’t lack of self-esteem speaking. This is a pretty blatant fact. Otherwise anyone who prepared half as much as I did, wouldn’t fuck up the paper as bad as I did. See? I’m stupid. Though, I must admit, however stupid I am, I still don’t deserve to be where I am. I just wish that this world would be nicer to stupid people. In fact, they should have this IQ test, and those below the IQ required to clear CLAT, (which is by the way, probably an IQ of 200, in my estimation), deserve a stupid-quota reservation. You know, a minimum of ten seats in every university for stupid people. Then, I’d probably make it somewhere. Not in the best, judging that I am not intelligently stupid or anything (I’m probably stupidly stupid, if this makes sense), but at least some place better than where I am now. But unfortunately, stupid people aren’t given any importance. They’re forced to compete with the better endowed members of the society. So I’ll have to gnaw my nails and cry my eyes out trying to figure out the cost price of an effing apple, which is in NO way related to law, I can tell you. I’ve been in law school for a semester and I don’t understand the point of having to solve a math section in the entrance exam.
I guess the people setting the paper have decided the math section to be the ultimate procedure for filtering out stupid people, like me, who are SO stupid that they can’t figure out the cost price of an apple, even though they’ve mugged the formula to do so, probably because they've added 2+2=5. That would be me.
I should file a PIL, demanding reservation for stupid people. I guess after spending five years in the place I am in presently, I’ll end up either unemployed, or I’ll work for a third-rate law firm where I’ll be serving coffee to a paan-chewing, beer-bellied boss, who speaks crassly and who belches noisily. This way, in-between making coffee, I’ll have all the time in the world to file a PIL demanding reservation for stupid people in ALL entrance exams. That way, even people like ME will have the option of a remotely bright future.
Ok, I’ll shut up now. This just goes to reinforce the fact that I am stupid. And the next person who dares to say I am not, will have a moldy sock belonging to a certain person I know who wears the same pair of socks for a LONG time, stuffed down his/her throat. This, I can assure you, is the most painful form of death. And if it doesn’t lead to death, it still constitutes as battery inflicted by odor. So you can still sue me. Unless I decide to sue you first.

my list

The list I made during my first week at law school:

Things I want to do During My Five Years In Law School


Be a 10 pointer
Win an international level mooting competition
Get my article published in Harvard Law Journal
Intern at Amarchand Mangaldas
Write a book about life at law school and get it published
Fall in love J


The list I made after one semester:

Things I want to do in THIS Law school if I don’t clear CLAT and am stuck here:
Be a rebel. Revolt against the administration. Stick my tongue out at the director
Since the college won’t send me to moot in all likelihood, protest against the shocking arbitrariness and be VERY abusive.
Form my own debating committee.
Kick any guy who tries to mess with me in the nuts.
Become a raving alcoholic.
Not have any arrears. Who cares about being a ten-pointer?
Fall in Love? No way. What was I thinking?
Write a book about life at hell—oops I mean, law school and get it published. If this happens, I’ll mention names and the first page will say… “All the characters in the book are fictional and if you happen to find your name in it, it’s purely coincidental.”

more nonsense.

I don't know what is becoming of this tiny world we live in called 'country', and frankly, I am starting to care less. Maybe it's because some of us are giving up hope on the system that fails to cater to what is ought to cater, and which allows a million flaws to permeate through. I might sound cynical, but well, we're all powerless souls caught in the labyrinth of tyranny inflicted upon the state by people who possess power, misappropriately used. The misery created by Raj Thackeray is unpardonable, but ultimately, it is only power that counts, which is why he was allowed to go scot-free. Justice is never served.
As a law student, its awfully difficult to digest injustice that happens everywhere, every milli-second. And it's even more difficult since I study in a place where power holds over merit, and everytime you try to be different from the heap, there are vicious hands vying for your blood, clawing and frantically trying to pull you down and drag you to their incomprehensible level of inhumane barbarianism. You're asphyxiated by the manacles of a system that only succeeds in extinguishing the spark of enthusiasm that rests within you and saps you off energy, leaving you feeling crestfallen and hollow.

We live in an epoch where people in college are smitten by the Hindi-movie romances they see onscreen. Boy meets girl, they fall in 'love' within a span of few months, pour their hearts out to each other, and blah-blah-blah. Where have my fellow law students thrown their common sense?

And among all the other things that dont make sense, there is mooting. Mooting is the biggest fad in law school. It's considered fancy even. The hours of hardwork that go into preparing a memorial on a subject you have hardly any idea about, however, crumbles when you stand before the bench, and the useless judge (who is probably in an extremely bad mood that day) decides to vent his anger on you and grill you on some irrelevant tiny detail that needs a magnifying glass to be looked at. When your hardwork is reduced to dust, there are a million fingers pointing at you, not appreciating the fact that you've worked hard and done well, but actually trying to stamp out the tiny spark within you that yearns to be rekindled. Enthusiasm.

The system in most law schools (including the place I study in) sucks. There's no better substitute for the word. Apart from being infused with shocking arbitrariness, these so-called rules formulated by a bunch of hoity-toity seniors who think the world of themselves are often amended to suit their convenience. Any form of assertiveness exerted by some of us who possess more common sense than the rest is misconstrued as rebellion. So be it. The system that is full of loopholes demands rebellion, and if we all have to pelt the posh, glass windows of the administrative block with rotten tomatoes, so be it. However, this never happens.
You see, when you move forward to represent a chunk of people who are not bold enough to stand up for themselves, you automatically assume that you will be backed by your peers. But when you're too deep in the hole you've dug, you realize that you're alone. Those people you represent fail to watch you back.
Not even a semester is over, and already, law school seems to have sapped the energy out of me. Everytime you want to do something, there are ten people you go against. The politics within the college is disgusting, yet, so hard to keep out of. Once you're in it, there's no way to avoid the loathsome glares and the whisperings.
For those of you misconstrue my enthusiasm as being an opportunistic know-it-all, I couldn't care less. We're law students, living in a country that believes in democracy, and we shall ensure that justice prevails. Even if we have to revolt against the unreasonable, floating system established by the seniors, we will do so.

???

The Indian judicial system has gone to the dogs. The very poorly handled Aarushi murder case just goes all out to reinforce the fact that the police and investigating team in our country are useless and that the judicial system is disintegrating. The Indian police catch a tiger, beat it, flog it and nearly force it to admit that its not a tiger, but a cat. And the bloodthirsty media is waiting hungrily to devour every teeny bit of information they get (they're least bothered whether the information is a fact or a fib), so that they can blow it out of proportion and have it on every news channel, every newspaper. And the criminal lawyer who is defending the poor accused who is very evidently, innocent? He gives an impression that he has just about scraped through some third-rate law school and is trying his best to prove himself as a fairly good criminal lawyer so that he can earn his daily bread, but in vain. He's dumb. There's no better way to put it. He's incapable of answering questions and raising objections, incapable of doing what he is supposed to do, what he is paid to do. Ensure justice. I'm not surprised.
With all the lawyers in our country vying to earn big bucks in corporate firms, the sole purpose of law (which is, to ensure that there is justice) is lost. Every law school graduate is content with the mere thought of sitting at some corporate firm, as long as they're able to buy that snazzy BMW and all the latest gadgets. And justice? Who cares that the whole country is falling apart! We've spent every single day and night in law school freezing our asses over inordinately fat law books and absurdly tough assignments, and it was the prospect of earning the big buck that kept us going. Why should we defend some pathetic soul who has been wrongly accused of crime--a court case that is likely to drag on for years (knowing our wonderful judicial system), and we'd hardly eat three square-meals a day with the money we make for that. We didn't spend a fortune on law-school to spend the rest of our lives in penury!
And so, its only those 'incorrigibly dumb' people who don't snag a job at those million-bucks-paying corporate firms who despondently decide to opt for criminal law (out of no other choice). And whilst three fourth of these 'lawyers' defend the criminals (for money, of course. We'd do anything for money, wouldnt we?), the remaining one-fourth who choose to defend the innocent blink dumbly at everyone and choose to keep their mouths shut.
The lack of good lawyers in our country, in addition to the glorious judicial system that continues to prevail (and shall do so, for a long long time), all contributes to the backwardness of our country.
Dr. Rajesh Talwar, besides losing his only daughter (that was concieved five years after marriage, with the aid of some high-tech equipment, as his wife underwent some complications), also lost his job, his reputation, and everything that constituted his life. And the extremely inefficient, lazy police not only framed Dr. Talwar (with what they considered to be 'evidence', which was nothing but a couple of unanswered questions), but they also took pleasure in maligning the reputation of his family. The media just added fuel to the fire, but implying that Dr. Talwar was in an extra-marital relationship, and killed his daughter when he found her sleeping with the servant.
The lawyer, Mr. Pinaki Mishra, was incapable of defending his client. Al their appeals for bails failed, as Dr. Talwar was retained in police custody. The UP police were thrilled. The case was closed. Dr. Talwar murdered his child. They were least bothered whether he was guilty or not. They wanted to close the case. That's all.
The question is, isn't it always innocent until proven guilty? In this case, Dr. Talwar was evidently not proven guilty. He wasn't proven innocent either, but there was no strong enough evidence to imply that he had killed his daughter. Then, how on earth could his lawyer allow him to stay in jail?
Once the CBI took over the case, they were convinced that Dr. Talwar was innocent, but they couldn't let him get off immediately. They would only jeopardize the reputation of the UP police. So, they retained him again and continued their investigation.
No one was able to solve the case. It was a confession from the actual killer during the narco test that finally brought light. Until then, Dr. Rajesh Talwar was considered the murderer.
The next question is, if the real murderer had not owned up, then would Rajesh Talwar have been released from custody? I doubt. He was first of all wrongly framed, with absolutely no evidence, and after sensationalizing the incident so much, it was essential to close the case once and for all. The question of justice never arose. It all came down to completing the business.
That's what it all boils down to, ultimately.
Money. And doing the job. Not doing it correctly, but just doing it.
And whilst all the lawyers continue to march with the baton towards those corporate law firms that guarantees them the materialistic delights of life, we can watch our country collapsing. In glee.

Musings....

This is going to come out sounding very bitter and sardonic and if I do offend any patriotic 'I worship the soil we walk on types', I'm least bothered. While we've so far been looking at the world from behind rose-tinted glasses, it's time that (some of us) take them off and actually look. A few years back, Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam wrote a book titled Vision 2020 and said that by 2020 India will become one of the super-powers, and will even surpass US. Nearly a decade has passed since he said that, and our quest towards achieving that status has progressed very marginally, if it has progressed at all. While we believe we're living in a place that has offered us all that it could in its capacity, little do we realize that this 'capacity' has not yet been defined. And it probably never will.
Going back in time, there was the biggest debacle that nearly shook the flimsy foundation that this world is constructed upon. The world wars. It was the impact of the second World War (following the Treaty of Versailles signed by a defeated Germany) that dropped the biggest bomb. Back then, India was still under the mercy of the British, fighting for freedom, fighting for peace, with Gandhiji advocating non-violence and ahimsa, which is evident from the very fact that he touted tolerance in an open letter addressed to Adolf Hitler. Several other Indian leaders and politicians expressed concern over the rise of Fascism and Nazism and supported the British cause, as opposed to taking the neutral stance that they had always chosen, until then.
Either way, India was unscathed by the impact of the World War, which left the entire globe restless and panic-stricken. The fight for freedom continued, using the tools of peace and non-violence. And then, freedom was granted. Gandhiji and the other preachers of peace and non-violence were assassinated. The turmoil began. When the British evacuated India after stripping it of its wealth, penury prevailed. Post Gandhian era, India even broke its ethical code of non-violence (surprise!) by entering into war with Pakistan.
The newly constituted British-free government strived to elevate the downtrodden by implementing poverty-alleviation programs, employment schemes, and even including reservations for the backward classes in most education institutions.
The plight improved. But marginally.
Because, despite the initiatives taken to bring about the change, the very desire to be a part of a new and better environment does not exist. People dont want to study or work. Education is a burden. They'd much rather live. Just exist and then leave the earth. Then there are the class of people who want to enjoy opulence without working for it. They find illicit ways of making fast and good money, and they are the quittessential elements of corruption, dishonesty. And then, there are the middle-class people, who pinch pennies, acquire a respectable degree and earn a respectable salary at a 9-5 job. They're happy. They're able to afford meals and a roof over their head. It ends there.
The desire to bring about a change is lost under a flurry of selfishness, avarice and yes, even fear. Fear that if they speak out, they will be condemned to a life of fear, a life similiar to the famous writer, Taslima Nasreen, who even now fears to touch the Pakistan soil lest they chop off her head.
So the quest to continues, but in vain. Those who give up hope, gladly leave the country to serve a foreign land, whilst we continue to grapple with the basic task of shoving food down our throats.
Japan, is a classic example of a country that has strived to progress over the years. After combatting poverty and unemployment, they have started to see the better side of the world, whilst the Indian hyprocrites continue to brag about how their "rich culture and heritage" (ahem--We're somewhere at the top in AIDS, and we have politicians who follow bigamy and sometimes, god forbid, even polyogamy) compensates for the lack of overall development.
I hope I am not brutally slain for this post. Peace, all.

A Tribute to my school........

I went to school today to collect my marksheets. As I walked across the stretch of sand that led to the school building, I was twinged with pangs of nostalgia. I thought about those days when I sported the prefect-badge and strutted around the school exuding an air of confidence and authority. The memories came crashing down on me, as I smiled at the familiar faces that now had a distant, faraway look in their eyes. I further made my way down the long corridor, which was mottled with a certain familiar faces that all stared at me. Some whispered. Some smiled. I had a customory smile plastered on my face, as I walked down the endless corridor that was so silent that I could hear my own breathing. That corridor had always been my favorite. It invokes pleasant memories of the eleventh grade, when our class was labelled the 'Noisiest class'. That corridor reminds me of slipping out of classes, sneaking in when no one was looking, meaningful conversations with special people who have made a difference in my life, bunking classes and having no place to go, being a dutiful prefect during school assemblies, conversations with teachers, some whom I liked, and some I didn't get along with, sharing Pepsi from the canteen, sucking on smuggled-in Fun oranges, turning my nose up at the gang of sweaty guys who crowd around the water-cooler after playing football in the field. I yearn to enter the eleventh-grade classroom, but it is locked. The eleventh grade classroom is my favorite. I sat in the front bench, right next to the window, where I would look out and stare at the field during exceptionally boring Economics classes. Sitting in the corner had its own advantages. I often sent smses during classes (I attended very few classes back then), and would whisper to the person sitting next to me and the people behind me. We never did our work. Fat accounts textbooks were untouched and were used as pillows to rest our heads on. Free periods ensured that the class was always empty. The classroom was perennially filled with excited screaming students hooting away and kicking the football around, throwing chalk, and well, there were even ink-fights and water-fights. Classes were never taken seriously. Half the time, we'd bunk classes, and the very few classes that we DID attend were spent sending smses under the desk, listening to music in the last row and scrawling our names on the much-abused benches in fancy calligraphy. Eleventh-grade was fun. We were all a bunch of people who didn't look too far into the future, who lived for the moment, and who had no idea what it would be like stepping out. It was something very few of us even considered. We went about chasing butterflies and building sand castles in the air. At that time, nothing mattered.

The eleventh-grade annual exams, however, were a shock to all of us, and the aftermath of it was even worse. Following the final exams, we lost a person who was the quittissential element of our class, a loved one. Suddenly, not everything seemed all that rosy as it did. Gone was the laughter and the hooting. We were too shocked to even shed tears. That incident taught us the value of life, and that it takes just seconds for a card house to come crumbling down to nothing. It sent out a message that we were all born for a purpose, to make a difference to the society. It wasn't all about coming to school, bunking classes, and wallowing in merriment. The other side of it had always been left unexplored.

Twelfth-grade began, and suddenly, things weren't the same again. The merriment mellowed down, and people were infused with ambition. Some were still scarred from the incident, some even sardonic about the whole thing, but there was a very flimsy thread that held everyone together. Suddenly, that flimsy thread broke. Meaningful friendships turned into superficial hi-byes, people had fall-outs, there were ego-clashes, people were out to get each others backs. There was fierce competition among a few. They wanted to do well, even if it meant stepping on other peoples' toes. A couple of them slacked away, and indulged in various other activities that kept them happy. Hearts were broken. Friendships seemed to have acquired a very empty meaning to it. Superficiality continued to prevail. I was lost in a sea of people, who suddenly seemed to be very different. Or maybe, I was very different from the rest. I sought solace in studying and books, and decided to keep to myself. I didn't want to play the game that everyone else was playing. I had too much to lose and nearly nothing to gain. These new friendships that replaced the meaningful ones, had no foundation, and were built on sipping frappes in coffee pubs and discussing other people and spreading rumors. Suddenly, school didn't seem like the home it had once seemed like.
It was more of an obligation to go to school. I sat in the front bench and was glued to my seat almost always. I often skipped lunch, and when I was exceptionally hungry, I ate lunch hunching over the Accounts book. I loathed studying, but I had nothing else to do. I refused to let myself get drowned in the sea that everyone else was swimming in. I was happy being the loner I never was, keeping to myself and offering a smile and comforting words to anyone who needed it. I started counting the days for school to end. I had been happier before. The whole year carried a lot of bitter memories, and a ton of loneliness that I had made myself get accustomed to. Friends were only the people I did Accounts with and discussed school subjects with. I never really could bring myself to discuss movies, people of the opposite sex, music, food, and the like. Everything seemed so immaterial, so artificial. There was something more I had in mind, something special. Someone whom I could share my dreams and thoughts with. But that never happened, and at one point, I was too engulfed in solitude and had grown to enjoy the company of myself. And then suddenly, the exams came and went. School ended as soon as it had begun.
I felt a sense of loss as I took off my uniform for the last time, knowing that I would never wear it again. That was when it hit me that I had to attribute my whole being to my school. I entered ninth-grade as someone shy, scared and wanting to please people. But then school taught me that one cannot please everyone, and that one cannot rely on anyone else for support. One should establish their own standard of principles and abide by them, irrespective of what other people say. One needs to stand up for what they believe in and take things in their stride.
And I exited the school, thinking that I would next visit this place as an ex-student, but I'll always carry with me the memories of this school. It is, after all, the place where I grew to become the person I am.

nothingness

It took me four months of hardwork and a ton of loneliness tinged with desperation, to return to this place. I've been sucked into a vaccuum of nothingness at the moment, where I am left with just an unfamiliar hollow feeling that wrenches my gut, followed by the occassional jolt to reality. Then, i return into that empty shell and continue living a mechanical existence.
People rarely matter to me anymore. But surprisingly, what matters is not what you get, and what doesn't matter, is the only thing you're left with, the only thing you're forced to cling on to, much as you want to let go. And when you do, finally let go, you find yourself sinking into a bottomless abyss.
as i am sucked into nothingness, i let my mind meander into the tiny, forgotten specks of my life that lie buried under those memories that are worth cherishing. then, i try to put together the pieces of the puzzle, and yet, i am left with an incomplete picutre.